My heart broke.

Multiple times actually.
Okay... So when I first noticed it, I didn't want to draw attention to it, because you know. No ones ever done it for me. Also, you actually saying it to me was a blow. I felt like it was my fault. Maybe I just try taking the blame from everyone else. Maybe it was my fault.

Anyway- I think that you're so wonderful, and you should have a positive body image, because you actually are really beautiful. like the kind that is a big deal.

You shouldn't feel bad for doing whatever you are doing. And nothing you could do would make you a bad person. you're a good kid, but you're not really a kid anymore, you're practically a grown ass woman, you're just a good person. I don't want you to feel bad.

I just want you to feel happy, and love who you are. I don't want you to regret any decision you ever make. And I never want you to pick up that habit. Because I still do it. And you're worth so much to me as a friend, and I don't want you to ever feel like I do. it's not a good mental state I'm in, and I want so much better for you.

I can't even explain to you how much you mean to me. You are just as, if not more valuable than anyone else in this world. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

I just want you to know that I love you (like a friend) and even though my words are all jumbled and my sentences are poorly constructed, you should love yourself.



Also it stings to not be as close as we were.

How am I supposed to feel?
It's like he was just broken, and almost didn't see a point in trying.
I told him not to give up.
He told me I ruined it, more we ruined it.
I hurt a 16 year old boy.
I still haven't slept.

I hate myself for saying that.

I want more than anything to be able to just be friends with you.
I want to also be more than friends with you.
I want to not feel like shit most days.
Because seeing you with not me is difficult-
And I'm jealous as fuck.
And yet I couldn't say that to your face.

I'm sorry for everything. I'm just so sorry.

Re: I feel like a jerk.

There are so many words that I wish that I could just take back. And even though you claim that all is forgiven, I still feel that I need to apologize- and you should hurt me just as badly as I hurt you. But i haven't just hurt you, I've hurt so many people- so many times. 

But back to the beginning, I wish that I had a vacuum, that could suck up every word that has escaped from my mouth or my fingertips. 

And again I'm sorry.

He called me "vampire lover"

I was reading our messages from December.

Why?

You're right it does feel like shit. And tomorrow is going to be worse, because everyone can talk to you- except me. And he'll bring you something like flowers, and I'l just stand back and watch it happen, and try not to let it bother me. I'll be out with my family, and I'll try not to think about it. All I'll get is that look, the one that says "I'm sorry, but I want you to smile." the same damn look I've been getting for a month now. I don't know.
Here's to a sense of hope, completely false hope, but still hope.

Also sometimes I feel like that guy who is expecting too much- you know "that guy" that you hate. (with coins, and machines, and sex)
I think I'm going to stop expecting things- I mean I have no reason to, right?