i ran away.

there was never any real reason, at least not one that was given. all i know i actually freaked out. like you though that you would. it was a crazy turn if events. but like all of actions, i'm still questioning why i feel this way.

i just want to still be able to call all the shots. or at least have someone buy me cigarettes right now. because i need something.

i think i haven't been calling the shots in my life for awhile.

i hate myself, but not like i used to, this is less passionate. i don't hate myself enough to cut. i don't hate myself enough to smoke or drink. i only hate myself enough to sit here on my bed and wade in my sadness.

one day i'll get the guts to say what's on my mind. one day i'll look into his eyes. but i actually don't believe in love.  maybe one day i will.

i wanted to say that i was sorry, i have acted rudely towards you. i treated you poorly, i have ignored you- talked badly about you. i've been petty. i'm sorry. but i don't love you, not like before. but i would like to be acquaintances. i would be willing to talk, smoke, but not drink with you.