if i knew where that razor blade was i would cut into my thigh again. so deep. that it would never heal. but i lost a lot of motivation, but i'm eating more now. so maybe i'm not so depressed.

i ran away.

there was never any real reason, at least not one that was given. all i know i actually freaked out. like you though that you would. it was a crazy turn if events. but like all of actions, i'm still questioning why i feel this way.

i just want to still be able to call all the shots. or at least have someone buy me cigarettes right now. because i need something.

i think i haven't been calling the shots in my life for awhile.

i hate myself, but not like i used to, this is less passionate. i don't hate myself enough to cut. i don't hate myself enough to smoke or drink. i only hate myself enough to sit here on my bed and wade in my sadness.

one day i'll get the guts to say what's on my mind. one day i'll look into his eyes. but i actually don't believe in love.  maybe one day i will.

i wanted to say that i was sorry, i have acted rudely towards you. i treated you poorly, i have ignored you- talked badly about you. i've been petty. i'm sorry. but i don't love you, not like before. but i would like to be acquaintances. i would be willing to talk, smoke, but not drink with you.

i'm just a bag of emotion.

there once were 11 little ticks in the woodwork of my heart. eleven little imperfections. now there are three, they are deep and time can't heal them when they are constantly being run down. three, three that you caused. three that won't save Scott. and three that are my hope to happiness.

two things. pt. 1

hormones.

a mistake.

we're friends.

if there is going to be an actual "mistake" can it actually be a mistake. 

next time:

no kissing.

no touching. 

not at four in the morning.

or maybe:

everything.

"she's no saint, but she'll take you to your knee's..."

one way or another. 

i don't like you much, i don't know if it's cause i don't think you're infatuation is real or maybe because i'm being protective of her. but i don't like you. maybe i'm jealous.

you better respect her, and treat her, well listen to her, and give her challenging conversations. make her think, challenge her, don't be too masculine. don't try to impress her, don't treat her like a goddess. she's a human. hold her hand give her flowers, have a decent taste in music. paint with her, if she wants to be artistic, let her. try your best to also be artistic. when she wants space, give it to her while still being there, if you can't do this, then nothing changes.

mindless thoughts. pt. 1

maybe i was wrong, and i'm bitter. but i feel like i'm losing.
i told her i had seasonal depression- i don't.
today Tavy and i were talking, and she actually has so much common sense. but she said how she knew the things we did, how she can't imagine us with anyone else. but i don't really think that is good. she knows how i feel though. i kind of want things back. but i'm not ready for that. i don't think i am at least.

busy night.

maybe because i'm trying to be a healthier person, i'm actually losing my mind.
it's not legal for me to smoke. but i want to so badly. it's not like i haven't broken the law before.

August 30th

Nothing is as it has been.

i feel unsatisfied,
almost like an empty feeling. maybe high school ruined me- maybe she did, maybe he did.
maybe it's pressure from  the world wanting me to fit in.
maybe it's my fault... Regardless, there is an unsettling feeling i'm going through.
Hurry! get the coffee we're going to need it. (or  vodka)

i hope for the best, for you guys.
but i'm sure that it's just my fault things usually are.

And Casey, i wish you were here. i need to talk to you about this. and miss you.

i think that really you just need to shut up- well... all of you do. it's not healthy.

to people who say they understand...

(well you have to understand that the world is fucked up.

 no i don't. i won't . 

 no i'm just going to be pissed about it. 

 that's not going to change anything.

 yes it will, i'll make it. 

 people aren't going to listen, if they find you annoying. 

 fine. i'm done. 

 that's not what i meant i understand that people... 

 no, i really don't want to talk about it.)

...fuck you.

i don't know what i wanted, or even what i expected. but it's apparent that it's not wanted by both parties. well i'll just keeps things normal. one time a friend told me that there wasn't a way for her to be happy in a relationship. that she felt that she would always be settling. and maybe that's true of all relationships, maybe i should have settled with that last one. maybe i shouldn't have tried for this last one, well... maybe i should have tried. i'm really upset right now.

you all make me sick.
if that's what you think love is, i will hate as much as i can.

i had some feeling for you.
i still have a feeling.
i don't know what to call it.

i have a secret.

but it's probably something that won't work out. 

i most likely jsut need some more weekends

and as for the shrugging and i don't knows, i couldn't get words to come out of my mouth. i just had to get out of there it was like my head was being held underwater. i felt like my lungs were going to pop. it was bad.

i guess it seems like i hate this Jesus character, but in all honestly, i don't.
i hate people who think that they are like him.
i hate people who unjustly judge people, based on their sins, (or what they think are sins).
in all reality nowhere in The Bible does it say that suicide is a sin. and next time a daffodil princess has an unfortunate, and tragic end, don't go carrying on about how shameful it is. because the only thing that is shameful, is how insensitive you are towards this girl, and her family.

and you claim to be of love, but are to uppity to spend time with, (and love) people that Jesus himself would have. i'm sorry but one day i'll quit the church. and i want you to know, that it's all on you. as the body of Christ.

it kills me to say those words. literally it eats me up inside. it rips apart my chest, it makes me hate myself. it drops me to my knees.

i can't handle it... i just need something. but i don't know what.

i was nervous to see you last night. i was afraid that something would be... not okay.  that things would be... different. i was afraid that you would feel differently, that i would too.  i don't know how to feel. please don't take that the wrong way. please don't.

what the hell?!

she is a person, just because she's had more sex partners than you, (which doesn't take much) doesn't make her a whore. she is a wonderful person. and that word makes me sick. whore, it's disgusting, you throw that word around like it's a toy. it a word that cuts deep, deeper than any knife could. she is a lovely person. 

you are judgmental, and i don't like you very much.

i know that you would never hate me, but sometimes i still hate myself.

remember when i would send you the pictures?

i remember the reasons- i was so dumb. i remember the deepest cuts, the worst cries. sometimes i still hate myself. i'm not going to do anything. 

i remember... and i don't want to, i don't even want to talk about it at the moment. please-

just don't ask me. not now.

my thought is that i would love for it to be more than an emotional high. but it's not, it's just amped up emotions, it's not real. and maybe i'm just lying to everyone. i'll figure it out one day, but until then, i'll keep being a good person for the sake of being a good person.

hey i hope he doesn't kill himself. i hope that he keeps going, for you, and for Sheridan- i hope that you can dance to butterfly kisses with him. i hope that for some reason he finds living better than the alternative.

i guess i don't have any real secrets anymore, that scares me. i'll just have to find new ones al over again. or start telling lies about other people
i'll be really cryptic, and pretend that i actually do have secrets. that'll be my secret.

it doesn't bother me.

it shouldn't bother me. but... 

no it doesn't bother me. 

i think i'm going to go out for a run.

it's not you. it's the home problems.

             actually my own problems.

i don't  know. i felt like i wanted to ask about it, i really wanted to. but i never want to pry in your life- so i just kept saying that you didn't have to talk about it. (why were there scratches? where were they? really i guess what happened?) but then i was just thinking about that fight where you said that i din't care, because i never asked about your problems. (the next night you told me to forget what you said.) i just don't want to upset you, so we don't have to talk about it. we don't have to. we don't.

on another note-- substantial. i don't know...

*revised- uncensored

more than anything i want everyone to be happy. if it meant that i was gone. i would do it. but the thing is someone will always be upset. i wish that you could have her. but you can't. i wish i could believe in God, but at the moment, i don't know.  i wish your parents didn't fight, and that you were happy. i wish that could see how wonderful you are. i wish i was content with my life, but i'm not.

i wish that God's love enough, but what you're telling me is it's not.

he deserves heaven more than i do. i lie, constantly. i smoke, i'm not a virgin. basically i suck. it's simple. i don't like your thoughts. so i make my own. (based on the "good word" of course) 

but, back to the main point i want people to be happy. i would do anything for you to be happy.

i also have this fear that you think of me, like how you think of James. annoying, over emotional, and too much. i don't know... i know you don't but still...

WHY THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? what if i don't end up passing, i don't think that i could handle that

i don't know how you put up with me. i'm emotional, and you constantly have to defend my sexuality. i don't understand it.       

                                                                                      you

but i'm happy that you do. i can't emphasize how much it means to me.

you should be murdered for what you've done. i have never respected you, even before i knew you did this.

sometimes i just don't want to believe in the God that you do. i just don't-

i also don't want to go to school anymore. ever.

sometimes i don't think that there is a just God. i mean, say there is this guy, who is a pediatric nurse. he's a really nice guy, lives a healthy life. gets pancreatic cancer. most likely he won't marry his fiance, who waited for him. he won't be there for his daughter's 16th birthday. a good man going through something he couldn't prevent. and the best part is, you tell me  he's going to hell when he dies. because he's jewish.
that's not just. i don't give two shits if you think it's "just" it's not right.

i'm really ready to grow up. maybe it's not such a scary thing. maybe it's important.

but i don't know

i guess just getting what you want in the end doesn't matter. i think that one day, you'll realize that what you wanted wasn't as important. or you'll wish that you'd had it this whole time. either way, you're not content. and that sucks

i have a two things on my mind.

why the fuck are you like this? do you not remember what happened? because i do. all i ever did to you was treat you like shit, and manipulate you. sure i've changed, but how did you ever get over that?  i don't think that i could.

you're leaving. you have been a good friend of mine, for so long and i've told you so much. (not everything,) but still... i'm not going to say goodbye. ever, mostly because this right now isn't going to be goodbye. we aren't going to have a goodbye.

i don't believe in hell. does that mean that i'm going?

I don't know, I guess what I was trying to say that I think everything has changed. When we were younger, we didn't need anything to get us along in life, maybe a hug, or a kiss to make it better. But now that's gone. All we have is nothing less than depression, and doubt. We doubt our belief, (and that's fine, it's necessary.) But more than that, (and this is the part that isn't okay,) we doubt ourselves. Everything that we thought about ourselves has changed. Or is slowly being ripped apart by the masses. And morals aren't the problem, it's the people who are shouting morals. The people who say we need to change, we don't. YOU DO. and I know that you think that you're something special because you have "God," you aren't. I'm not in the wrong because of what I've done. Don't tell me I am.

the fact that it's tomorrow, is nerve racking. it could flop. but at least i still get to look forward to dancing with you. it was my favorite part of the last one.

can you feel your heartbeat racing?
can you taste the fear in her sweat?
you've done this wrong,
it's too far gone
the sheets tell of regret.
i admit that i'm just a fool for you
i'm just a fool for you.

well... yeah i think that's enough of this talk.
okay good talk!

so as i was driving home last night, after a long day of breaking the rules, The Fray came on the radio. it was "Cable Car" and i thought to myself, no i'm not in over my head. i'm still swimming, head above the water. nothing is going to change about that.

"Micah what happens in August?"
"... i turn in 17... i have no plans for August"
"Micah, you can tell me."
"i have no plans for August"

well hell.

August came early, but i regret nothing.

if you understand then, there you go.

i'm not really upset that i missed church, or anything like that, tonight was fantastic. and i regret nothing.

you were right, it's a nice color.

today, was a good day.
but last night you'll never know.
so i guess that it's all good now-
i'm sorry. it just happened.

you. do you know what you've put me through? you've got me thinking in ways that i haven't in awhile. i've been happy for awhile, or at least i've been trying so fucking hard. but you had to go, and say all that. i know that you didn't intend to say it like that. but lets be real you don't think before you speak, and you don't think about how people will take it, (you are a caring person though.) and it's not like i think before i speak.
but i over react. and i guess you might have something.

starting the counting over, and starting the countdown.

love, love, love.
instead of filling my pockets with rocks, i'm tying an anchor around my neck.
do you remember this time last year?
i do.
i could say that it was because i realized that "all my friend were moving on" but that was more of i pushed a majority of my friends away, and the other 5 people that i hung out with were graduating. but i think that it was more of me hating myself. i had pushed out the most important person in my life. you. and i'm afraid that i'll do it again. but ironically i'm not telling you all the shit that's going on in my head. and all i've been saying is i'm sorry.
and all my words have become pointless. except, i love you.
i'm sorry.

who the fuck do you think you are?
so what you let her go, and i was there for her. big deal. get over it.
and besides there's not much it's not like there there is something else going on. it's plain and simple.
just that. and besides, i fucking hate you.

yes, i'm kind of upset with this whole situation.
no, i'm not going to do anything.
good. i'm glad we had this talk.

-more coming soon-

what more can i do?
nothing.
what do you want me to do?
nothing.
oh... okay.
yeah

When it happens it's weird. And you're just left sitting there, no words are coming out. They'll tell you, "I told you so, but you didn't listen, better than they know. You took those words and made them into a life. Carved out a hole. And lived there, as a fox. The only real fox. The other just wore masks. Trying to hide their shame, their true identities. But you, you are still innocent, and have nothing to hide. No wonder things get estranged- that house became violent. You would come out bleeding. It's time to move on. You've out grown your 'shelter' just look forward.

maybe i just overreact but. 

FUCK THIS!

let's get one thing straight. okay?
sure we could be "fuck buddies" but that'a all we could ever have. but that would be shit.
i would be miserable.

alright, now that's why i'm happy we aren't having sex yet. because we have so much more
than that. and we will always. there is tension between us. i wanted a relationship that would
last. i mean is that not what you wanted? or..?
i'm sorry that it happened that way it did. so up until August, we'll have to work on that....building i mean.

okay...

 we've tried this before. the only difference is we're in a legit relationship. but i don't know that's what i thought of... i mean i like the idea, and yeah it sounds great. but i don't know... no let's do it, yeah? 

i mean have a relationship...

so... okay it's a normal thing to happen, i know but i still feel uncomfortable about it. i don't know, i don't think that it's just cause i've never been comfortable with myself. it's just cause, it's something sexual. and i do have intimacy issues. like it took me a lot just to get to where we are today. but it's just something that i have to deal with, i guess.
i don't know what i'm trying to say, or why i'm even trying to say it at all.

and as soon as you said "something personal" i knew, that's why i answered yes right away.

well actually,
you are wrong. fuck you, i hate you, i hope something moderately bad happens to you. but something that's somewhat easy to get over.

"so basically this is it... i love her, but i don't know if this is really what we wanted. like i really enjoy being with her. but more like when we were just messing around, no titles. and i think she feels the same way. and neither of us want to end it. because we don't want it to hurt each other. i guess it's all just fucked. "

every time i see you, you make me want to punch you in the face. 

when i think of what you did to those girls i want to do the same to you, because i know i could. lets get real you're an asshole. i hope something kind of bad happens to you... Prick.

so it's inevitable.
i've dealt with it before.
i was young, but it was worse.
i think it still hurts her. that's why you've been spending so much time alone.

it's really fucking hard to watch though. because both of you are important. and this is really shitty. but i do love her more. and i will always be there for her

this

and today, was really wonderful. and sorry about the hickey, i mean, i meant to, but i didn't. and your warm skin against mine, was the best. (we didn't have sex)

so with this i'm fucked. it's eating away at me. but then if i ask it's not going to be something good, at least not to hear. so be insecure because of possibilities, or be sure that you're not good enough.
shit's good.

okay so another insecurity is that there is this part of me that feel like i need to change to be with you. because the real me isn't fun enough. i mean i'm actually a fucking boring person. i've never really experienced anything, and i can't do anything. i swear to god that i won't cut myself again. well at least not today. or tomorrow, i need to let them heal. i think that you don't like me being straightedge, and that scares me,  i can't really drink like i want to. my blood sugar is effected by it. smoking ruins my lungs. but i miss it so much, though.

i don't know, just don't think of me differently, or get angry. it's not that big of a deal.

okay i know, she is. but also she's not ours... she's not a piece of meat. so back the fuck off.
please, she's been through a lot. and she deserves more than an awkward one night stand, with a hot body.

what if i'm not good.

what if it ends abruptly.

i would be devastated. 

but i still have time.

i used to love you so much, tell everyone that we were such good friends. but that all changed. and i wish that it hadn't. i wish that when i said that i forgave people, it was true. but you... i still do love you, i mean like a bro, but i can't look at you the same. i'm not blaming you, there are some insecurities still left. some lingering thoughts of self harm.


i do feel better now.
well... at least a little.

i want to rip off all your clothes, throw you onto the bed, and show you that i can.
i want to make you go weak in the knees, and collapse, me on top of you.
i want to send chills down your spine, while you feel my hands going down yours.

well, i guess a kiss could work too...

i'm not going to lie, i get scared that i'll do something, and everything will change.
that i'll become your Josh Horning.

GOD DAMN, just stop it!

i hate it when you do that.

happy anniversary of not dating, it's been wonderful.
that was kind of sarcasm. i'm fucking tired of not dating.

he wants sex, she says no. 

he says i love you. she warms up to the idea.

he says forever. she thinks. 

     (he cheated)

he wants sex, she says no. 

he says i love you. she warms up to the idea.

he says forever. she thinks. 

he goes on a date with her, buys her flowers. she says i love you more. 

he tells her his "secrets". she opens up, really opens up.

he tells her she's the one. she says maybe.

he says she is his everything. she says yes.
                    (he moved)

i want sex, but i'm not going to ask. i'll just hold you. and mean what i say. and hope the love lasts. 

i was always there for you, but
where the fuck are you?

i'm starting this other one, because i have a lot to say.