hey i hope he doesn't kill himself. i hope that he keeps going, for you, and for Sheridan- i hope that you can dance to butterfly kisses with him. i hope that for some reason he finds living better than the alternative.

i guess i don't have any real secrets anymore, that scares me. i'll just have to find new ones al over again. or start telling lies about other people
i'll be really cryptic, and pretend that i actually do have secrets. that'll be my secret.

it doesn't bother me.

it shouldn't bother me. but... 

no it doesn't bother me. 

i think i'm going to go out for a run.

it's not you. it's the home problems.

             actually my own problems.

i don't  know. i felt like i wanted to ask about it, i really wanted to. but i never want to pry in your life- so i just kept saying that you didn't have to talk about it. (why were there scratches? where were they? really i guess what happened?) but then i was just thinking about that fight where you said that i din't care, because i never asked about your problems. (the next night you told me to forget what you said.) i just don't want to upset you, so we don't have to talk about it. we don't have to. we don't.

on another note-- substantial. i don't know...

*revised- uncensored

more than anything i want everyone to be happy. if it meant that i was gone. i would do it. but the thing is someone will always be upset. i wish that you could have her. but you can't. i wish i could believe in God, but at the moment, i don't know.  i wish your parents didn't fight, and that you were happy. i wish that could see how wonderful you are. i wish i was content with my life, but i'm not.

i wish that God's love enough, but what you're telling me is it's not.

he deserves heaven more than i do. i lie, constantly. i smoke, i'm not a virgin. basically i suck. it's simple. i don't like your thoughts. so i make my own. (based on the "good word" of course) 

but, back to the main point i want people to be happy. i would do anything for you to be happy.

i also have this fear that you think of me, like how you think of James. annoying, over emotional, and too much. i don't know... i know you don't but still...

WHY THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? what if i don't end up passing, i don't think that i could handle that

i don't know how you put up with me. i'm emotional, and you constantly have to defend my sexuality. i don't understand it.       

                                                                                      you

but i'm happy that you do. i can't emphasize how much it means to me.

you should be murdered for what you've done. i have never respected you, even before i knew you did this.

sometimes i just don't want to believe in the God that you do. i just don't-

i also don't want to go to school anymore. ever.

sometimes i don't think that there is a just God. i mean, say there is this guy, who is a pediatric nurse. he's a really nice guy, lives a healthy life. gets pancreatic cancer. most likely he won't marry his fiance, who waited for him. he won't be there for his daughter's 16th birthday. a good man going through something he couldn't prevent. and the best part is, you tell me  he's going to hell when he dies. because he's jewish.
that's not just. i don't give two shits if you think it's "just" it's not right.

i'm really ready to grow up. maybe it's not such a scary thing. maybe it's important.

but i don't know

i guess just getting what you want in the end doesn't matter. i think that one day, you'll realize that what you wanted wasn't as important. or you'll wish that you'd had it this whole time. either way, you're not content. and that sucks

i have a two things on my mind.

why the fuck are you like this? do you not remember what happened? because i do. all i ever did to you was treat you like shit, and manipulate you. sure i've changed, but how did you ever get over that?  i don't think that i could.

you're leaving. you have been a good friend of mine, for so long and i've told you so much. (not everything,) but still... i'm not going to say goodbye. ever, mostly because this right now isn't going to be goodbye. we aren't going to have a goodbye.

i don't believe in hell. does that mean that i'm going?

I don't know, I guess what I was trying to say that I think everything has changed. When we were younger, we didn't need anything to get us along in life, maybe a hug, or a kiss to make it better. But now that's gone. All we have is nothing less than depression, and doubt. We doubt our belief, (and that's fine, it's necessary.) But more than that, (and this is the part that isn't okay,) we doubt ourselves. Everything that we thought about ourselves has changed. Or is slowly being ripped apart by the masses. And morals aren't the problem, it's the people who are shouting morals. The people who say we need to change, we don't. YOU DO. and I know that you think that you're something special because you have "God," you aren't. I'm not in the wrong because of what I've done. Don't tell me I am.