My heart broke.

Multiple times actually.
Okay... So when I first noticed it, I didn't want to draw attention to it, because you know. No ones ever done it for me. Also, you actually saying it to me was a blow. I felt like it was my fault. Maybe I just try taking the blame from everyone else. Maybe it was my fault.

Anyway- I think that you're so wonderful, and you should have a positive body image, because you actually are really beautiful. like the kind that is a big deal.

You shouldn't feel bad for doing whatever you are doing. And nothing you could do would make you a bad person. you're a good kid, but you're not really a kid anymore, you're practically a grown ass woman, you're just a good person. I don't want you to feel bad.

I just want you to feel happy, and love who you are. I don't want you to regret any decision you ever make. And I never want you to pick up that habit. Because I still do it. And you're worth so much to me as a friend, and I don't want you to ever feel like I do. it's not a good mental state I'm in, and I want so much better for you.

I can't even explain to you how much you mean to me. You are just as, if not more valuable than anyone else in this world. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

I just want you to know that I love you (like a friend) and even though my words are all jumbled and my sentences are poorly constructed, you should love yourself.



Also it stings to not be as close as we were.

How am I supposed to feel?
It's like he was just broken, and almost didn't see a point in trying.
I told him not to give up.
He told me I ruined it, more we ruined it.
I hurt a 16 year old boy.
I still haven't slept.

I hate myself for saying that.

I want more than anything to be able to just be friends with you.
I want to also be more than friends with you.
I want to not feel like shit most days.
Because seeing you with not me is difficult-
And I'm jealous as fuck.
And yet I couldn't say that to your face.

I'm sorry for everything. I'm just so sorry.

Re: I feel like a jerk.

There are so many words that I wish that I could just take back. And even though you claim that all is forgiven, I still feel that I need to apologize- and you should hurt me just as badly as I hurt you. But i haven't just hurt you, I've hurt so many people- so many times. 

But back to the beginning, I wish that I had a vacuum, that could suck up every word that has escaped from my mouth or my fingertips. 

And again I'm sorry.

He called me "vampire lover"

I was reading our messages from December.

Why?

You're right it does feel like shit. And tomorrow is going to be worse, because everyone can talk to you- except me. And he'll bring you something like flowers, and I'l just stand back and watch it happen, and try not to let it bother me. I'll be out with my family, and I'll try not to think about it. All I'll get is that look, the one that says "I'm sorry, but I want you to smile." the same damn look I've been getting for a month now. I don't know.
Here's to a sense of hope, completely false hope, but still hope.

Also sometimes I feel like that guy who is expecting too much- you know "that guy" that you hate. (with coins, and machines, and sex)
I think I'm going to stop expecting things- I mean I have no reason to, right?

I was a 9/10

I think this might be difficult, because I'm the one who's used to holding the cards. but I mean they've always dropped everything for me. but not you- I mean you did once. but normally you keep me grounded, and have me think things through.

There was a reason you said yes to him? And I kinda want to know.

part of me wants you to hold on to him, but the other part of me is wanting you to not.

It's your life, so I can't tell you anything.

I was watching an interview with Tegan Quin, and she was explaining the song call it off. 

She said that the line "maybe I would have been something you'd be good at." was really upsetting to her- because she felt that she had been putting so much into a relationship that wasn't really going anywhere. It was a moment of realization for her that this relationship wasn't going to go anywhere and how upsetting it was. And almost of a way for her to let go of it. 

I want you to be happy no matter what. Well I want everyone to be happy. but especially you. even if that probably means you being happy with someone else.

sleeping alone. 

my back aches- my legs are restless

the pillows are soaked- and the sheets are stained. 

I'm sorry that you feel this way, but could you look at it from a different perspective?

No. Fuck you and your cookies.

At least he can be civil, and and a decent conversation with me. but you can't, it's not like the 5-6 years together didn't mean anything. also can you not be cute by the teacher parking lot? because i'm not mature enough to walk past you guys like that without having my chest getting really tight, and my eyes getting watery. because i think back to when you didn't want to be cute like that with me. and when you were to ashamed of me to  even tell your friends that we were dating. and the only time we could hold hands was when nobody was looking. but i'm glad that we've both moved so far from that. that we're both really confident people. you know? 

but back to the beginning, no i don't want a heart shaped cookie. because, i think that the guy next to me wants two. 

it's weird to me.

one time i was at your house- and we were laying bed. you said that we couldn't have sex because there were people at your house. and i'll give you that. i mean people, but also high people. but like a couple weeks later, we were at your house and you said "lets do it" but your mom and sheridan were there. so i was like "there are people here." but you didn't care. 

i'm happy for you i guess. i mean you found someone who you can 'love' in front of your friends. i'm happy that your 'intimacy issues' and 'commitment issues' don't plague you anymore. because i'd hate for you to have another failed relationship. i'm happy that it took you a couple of weeks to get over me. but Bim took 6 fucking months, and even then the wound was still there. i'm happy you questioned my sexuality for the all of the time that we knew each other. but mostly i'm happy you're happy. 

do remember how it felt? like not the i like you part of it, just the having someone.
and dancing? like everything felt good.

i remember how it feels not to do that. because that's what i've forced myself to do.
be alone.

I'm not nervous, I'm tired.

I'm not angry, I'm upset. 

It feels like I just have these empty feelings. Like I have emotions, but they're only half full. I feel like maybe there is something in this life that I'm missing.